You are light

Holy crap. What a crazy f#&%ing year it’s been! I’ve seen so many memes on social media pertaining to the craziness of 2020 that have made me chuckle quite heartily. And despite the over-exaggeration depicting the events of this year through memes, the truth is, it has been a giant monumental year. An entire history book could be written on this year alone, and we’re only halfway through it.

But you already know that. Like me, you’ve lived the wild rollercoaster of a ride that this year has been. The thing I find interesting about the collective WTF moment we are experiencing at this point in time is the fact that EVERYONE is experiencing it. Of course, the universal concept of suffering isn’t something new, but I don’t know that we’ve ever really seen it embodied to the extent that we have this year on such a global scale.

During quarantine, I kept joking that what the world was experiencing as a whole, I’d already been through on an individual level when I was living in the middle of nowhere in Australia. And the growing sense of dread and unease resulting from fear of the unknown that seemed to be spreading during the rise of COVID felt all too familiar to me. For once it seemed like the world was showing me an accurate depiction of how I’d always felt personally. Like the fake facade of life being perfect and beautiful and easy all the damn time was finally destroyed, and the truth that nothing is certain could finally be seen.

And instead of feeling comforted by the fact that everyone was experiencing what I’ve known to be true for a while now, I felt the heaviness of it all much more intensely. And so I retreated. I stopped creating. And I did my best to get by.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I didn’t try to avoid the heaviness that I was feeling, but I also didn’t force myself to do more than I could. I had meltdowns frequently. I went from feeling super high and thankful to melting into a puddle of sadness and despair on the floor. Sometimes within a 24hour period.

And I know it’s not over yet. Tomorrow I could be back on the floor in a puddle of tears. Or maybe even later tonight. But I feel like I’ve gotten a bit of my spark back. Life has come back into my bones and I’m starting to feel a little less heavy and a bit more like my happy hope-filled self.

It’s been a loooooong time since I’ve written anything other than journaling, and I’m not sorry or regretful. By now I’ve learned that I can’t force myself to be productive out of guilt. I have to trust the process and flow with the seasons of life. Because that’s what they are, seasons. And each one is meant to teach us something different.

It’s okay to feel stuck and not be motivated to do anything. And I’m sure that’s how a lot of people have felt this year. While it is good to keep momentum and push through difficult times, sometimes it’s better to just stop. Stop resisting what is. And just let the floodgates open wide. Let the fear and the uncertainty and the doubt and the anger wash through you. You can’t escape it anyway, so might as well allow yourself to fully experience it.

At least that’s what I try to do. And yeah, it’s hella messy. And it sucks. And sometimes it feels like the despair will never end.

Until one day you wake up and realize you’ve just had the most sweet slumber. You hear the birds singing and the sun starts peeking through the clouds, and suddenly you realize, you’re okay. Today is a new day and each breath is a gift. And what is it you want to do with that gift? Because it’s your choice. And you can do anything you want to do.

What I want to do is write. And I want to inspire people to have hope and find peace and joy even in the hardest times. Because there is always light to be found. There is always love. Sometimes it takes going through the darkness to realize that the light you’re searching for out in the world is actually within you. But you can’t discover that until everything else goes black.

So I believe that’s the potential that this shitfest of a year holds for each of us. If we can embrace the darkness and allow ourselves to experience all that it holds, we will come out the other side with full confidence of the light we each contain, shining brighter than ever before. Because we’ll have been to the depths. We’ll have accepted our weakness. We’ll have surrendered to the powers that be and fully died to ourselves. And we’ll come out the other end having been reborn.

Embrace the darkness. There is nothing to fear. There is only love. Only light. And you are it.



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